back in Brooklyn & feeling some type of way / by Nikki Dee

Here's a little bit of what's been running through my head since I moved back to Brooklyn. Columbus was a trip for sure...but I'm really glad to be back in New York. However, the transition back has been slightly weirder and more tumultuous than I expected. I've been tossing back and forth between feeling really numb and really emotional. I feel like I'm in some kind of race to make things happen.

Last night I started watching To The Bone on Netflix. It was really good, although I felt that it was kind of long and some things were addressed early on. Once it was over, I was happily fully invested in the characters and waited for Netflix to start playing the second episode. It wouldn't play.

And that's when I realized that it was a movie.

I had invested myself in the characters and the story, and then it was over without me realizing it. I actually cried...and then of course, I laughed at my mistake.

Anyway, this movie hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm not sure why. Maybe because, I was feeling so low and out of control, and I identified with the characters. zI could actually see the total fantasy, misery, and despair of anorexia. I felt really emotional about it. Something about it all just sent me into a bit of a whirlwind. You know when a little wind tunnel catches all of the dust, and newspapers, and plastic bags off the street and sends them up into a little tornado? That's how I felt.

I always talk a big game about self-love and working on your inner conflicts, meditation and all that. But for a long time, I haven't been practicing what I preach. I really haven't been allowing myself to feel anything. I've been playing it safe, hiding behind stone and frustration.

I'm going to skip ahead for a second and talk about how this textile research is affecting me. I've been doing a LOT of research as I work on textiles for my solo show at the end of the month. God, it's so beautiful I could cry. And it's so TACTILE. Weaving has gotta be the most mindful goddamn thing. You're forced to take in colors, textures, soft gifts of nature. And this is the first time in a long, long while that I've allowed myself to make any art that's truly abstract, without worrying about getting a specific message across. It's coming just from my senses, my fingers, and my heart. It's true SAORI, or zen weaving. Whatever I feel like doing is what I'll do. What a gift I've given myself.

Walking through an aisle of yarn is a similar feeling to going to the farmer's market. It just feels like a natural, innocent joy of building blocks given to us from the earth.

I'll keep focusing on the zen, and documenting my progress.